It has been a long time

It has been over a year since I have posted on this blog. In that time there have been ups and downs-unfortunately more downs than ups. The one upside is that I finished my puzzle. Even with the happiness of this accomplishment I have become the worst version of myself - as Tom Hanks said in 'You've Got Mail'. I have gotten to a point where I don't know what or who I am anymore and what I even want to do with my life. Yes, I know that I have my issues, but I am trying to improve myself and am looking for a second chance. Religious people can say that oh it was the doing of a higher power, but this was all my doing. I would say in a way that this is my punishment and it is well deserved, but I am not the only one that is suffering. This is very cliche, but I wish I had a genie lamp in front of me so I could rub the lamp and start things all over again.
When I was young I remember that most of the students my age pursued paths as per the "fad" of that time; and I was one of them. However, I specifically didn't realize that this "fad" was beyond my capabilities but unfortunately due to pressures and inevitable failure, I kept pursuing it. I say do what makes you happy, but the difficulty develops in pursuing that happiness.